For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
