I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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