she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
