We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
