You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
