Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
