I hate all girls vehemently.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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