I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
