I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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