i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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