If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
