The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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