I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
