What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
