I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize