there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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