she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We left the knife in your bed.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
