Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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