the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've blown a few things in my day
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
