I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
