Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
