I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
