i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
