We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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