My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
