You're my little dorito
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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