my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
