I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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