The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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