Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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