I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
