I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
