I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
