I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Your dad touched me again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
