I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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