a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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