yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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