I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
