I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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