I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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