I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just tell him i said nine months
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
