I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
