Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
