M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
