This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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