Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
