chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
