she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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