You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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