I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
