His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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