fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
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