so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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