i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
