I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
