we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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