Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
