my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
