I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
