No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
