I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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