I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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