Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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