If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
