I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
