i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i think i just lost a toe
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
