You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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